Nobody hold your breath.

Because, apparently, I'm not actually having babies any time soon. More on this later.

You should know, just in case you're one of those people who only ever checks on here for pictures, that I don't have any today. I'll probably have a couple next week, but since I'm all, you know, stuck on the couch, I don't get much picture taking opportunity. There will be funny things and whining and talking about the babies, but no pictures. Just be warned.

First, Katie is hilarious. You probably already know this.

So, I'm currently at the doctor twice a week for non-stress tests, so we spend a significant amount of time there. And, because Katie does NOT like the exam rooms or seeing the actual doctor, my mom usually hangs out with her in the awesome kid-oriented waiting room while Mike and I go in to my appointments (because my husband is awesome and uses his lunch breaks to come to the doctor with me).

So, one of my appointments last week was relatively early for us (this is not saying much, because Katie and I are neither early risers nor fast at getting ready once we're awake). I was dressed and cute, but we couldn't get Katie to get ready before we had to leave, so she came in her jammies with a snack cup full of dry cereal and a sippy of milk (they work separately too, you know). While we were waiting for my appointment, my mom made some comment about how ragamuffin-ey Katie looked coming to the doctor with her jammies and bed head.

Katie replied, "Don't think about it, Grandma."

Fast forward to yesterday, when we were about to head out to the doctor. Because I'm pretty much on bed rest, and can't do much besides sit on the couch and go to the doctor, going to the doctor is a big deal. I wear cute jeans and put on mascara and actually wear earrings and stuff, just because I'm leaving the house. Well, yesterday when I was coming down the stairs after getting ready, Katie looked up from her giant pile of stories and said in an awe-struck whisper, "Mom, you look beautiful."

I almost cried.

Then she called my bed frame (which has sharpie on it) beautiful in the same tone. Also several of her dollies. So, um, yay?

Okay, one more. Many of you may know the Rihanna "Diamonds" song, in which she says in a slightly silly (maybe just in my opinion) voice, "shine bright like a diamond!" Well, when this song came out my little sisters were singing it all the time. Like, all the time. So much that now the "shine bright like a diamond!" part makes everyone groan and make gagging noises and such of that nature.

Well, the other day we were in the car with Katie and we pulled up to an intersection where the sun was in Katie's face. She put her hands over her face to block it, then started saying "shine bright like a diamond! Shine bright like a diamond!"

Mike and I almost died. And then we gave my sisters quite a hard time.

Now for some whining. Mostly just an update on the boys, but I'm cranky about it.

I have told you before that my boys are enormous, right? Because they are. Even for singletons, they're big for how far along we are. This is awesome, because it means that now that we're 35 weeks, they're pretty much past the NICU phase except for brief observation. Smaller babies would probably still be at risk, but my boys are more likely to be all healthy and stuff already.

This is fun for them, not for me. I have blisters popping up around my belly because my skin is being stretched so hard. I was doing relatively well for stretch marks this time around, until my skin ran out of elasticity and now is shiny even before I put lotion or baby oil on it. It kind of stings.

Also, it hurts if I don't have my belly resting on something because these boys are so heavy. The boogers.

So, last Thursday at the doctor, we got all excited because Baby A (the one on the bottom) was head-down. I had been sure there was no room for him to flip and was kind of resigned to planning on a C-section, but somehow he did it. And there was much rejoicing.

Then, yesterday, guess what? BREACH. The little booger. Also, I'm not dilated at all. So all these tons of contractions I've been having for months now have been all for naught. Like, completely. I'm not even close to going into labor, and my boys are being non-cooperative even if they're big and healthy.

So, in a fit of rebellion, I went to the Hobby Lobby after my doctor appointment to get some craft supplies for the boys' someday room. And it took me a while to find things, so I did a significant amount of walking before my mom hustled me back to the car and stuck me back on my couch. And you know what? NO CONTRACTIONS.

Now, I know what you're thinking. Contractions hurt, right? Yes, they do. Like the dickens. So why am I complaining? I'll tell you. Here I've been counting on the boys coming relatively early because they're twins. So although my pregnancy is like forty times worse than any normal, healthy woman should have to deal with, it was going to be shorter. But now I'm starting to think that they've had me stuck on the couch for no reason. I'm going to get to full term, lose my patience, start doing jumping jacks, and still have to get induced or have a planned C-section because these boogers aren't going to come out by themselves. Geez.

Remember that one time how Katie was induced 5 days after her due date and we still had to use all the Pitocin the hospital had? And there were hours and hours of my labor "not progressing"? She was being quite stubborn about not being born. And now her brothers are apparently being boogers just like her.

Okay, that's enough complaining. Sorry about that.

This morning, when my mom came to help me and Katie get up and fed and stuff, she asked Katie if she wanted to go play with the aunts and uncles today (it's spring break for them). Katie insisted all morning that she wanted to stay here and play toys and read stories. Well, after a while my mom just went up and got some Katie clothes and brought them down, and changed Katie out of her jammies with some PBS to distract her. Then Katie said her feet were cold, so we put on her socks. Katie then proceeded to insist that she needed her sneakers, so we put them on. Then Katie went to the door, said, "Bye Mom! See you later! Come on, Grandma!" and left.

So my mom and I said, "um, okay then," and they went off to play. And I get to sit here without stress and write on my blog and potentially watch a Mommy-movie (meaning NOT Monsters, Inc.) and eat ice cream and do other things I can't do with Katie here. Awesome.

Also, in the early, dark hours of the morning when I was trying really hard to be comfortable enough to sleep, there was serious action going on with the boys. Either they heard us mention rock-em-sock-em robots and thought they'd practice their moves, or they're flipping. AGAIN. I'll let you guys know if anything happens. And if I ever get to actually have babies.

My consolation? Being so sick and anti-food for nine months means that pregnancy makes me lose weight, and I think it's going to be even more this time because it's two big boys stealing my calories instead of my little girl. Combine with that the fact that I'm planning on breastfeeding my twins, and I'm going to be so hot this summer. I even had a dream last night (before my Tylenol wore off) that Mike and I went on a date and I was wearing a dress and was all skinny and felt good about myself. That's gonna be the life . . .

Bed Rest! Woo! Also, some bragging about my children.

Being on bed rest is SO MUCH FUN. I can't even handle it. Pretty much all I ever do is sit on the couch with my little bed rest station, which consists of snacks, water, phone, sudoku book, Tums, computer, and, occasionally, healthy food. Yeah, it's a good time.

But to lighten the mood, I need to have a bragging moment about my children. Because they deserve some bragging and I totally get to do it sometimes.

Let's begin with my firstborn.

Do you know how awesome my Katie is? Pretty much the most awesome that is available. For one thing, you know how most toddlers, even when they say words, usually need their moms to translate? Well, when I put quotes up from Katie on this blog or on facebook, I'm writing it down exactly as she articulates it. She conjugates her verbs. For example, the other day Mike asked what she wanted for dinner, and she said, "I want a peanut butter sammich, but Mommy wants some noodleys." (For the record, I had indeed mentioned noodleys.) Did you notice the 's' on "wants"? That's how cool she is.

Also, she is quite into dancing time. Whenever she's watching a movie, as soon as the credits come on, she declares it to be dancing time and pulls everyone else out of their seat to dance with her. (It is quite distressing that I am no longer able to comply with the rules of dancing time.) Dancing time also includes the radio at Grandma's house, whenever somebody is playing her little xylophone, and the rock beat on my keyboard. Speaking of, I'm pretty sure she knows how to turn on various songs and rhythms on my keyboard better than I do. But whenever it's dancing time, you better believe that the little hippie-wiggles are something to be admired.

Also, she has taken to galloping everywhere. Not walking, not running, galloping like a horse. Also, she likes to jump. Quite a bit. She has always liked jumping, but I attribute her increase in spring-like activity to her liking for the Pixar short, "Boundin'," in which a jackalope teaches a depressed lamb how to "bound." We watch it almost as often as we watch Monsters, Inc. (which is a lot. Like, 7 or 8 times a week).

Here are some action shots of last . . . Friday? Monday? It was, amazingly, slightly warm outside. The sun was shining and I had some reason to stand up long enough to wear makeup and get off the couch (maybe a doctor appointment . . .). And when Grandma came over to help get Katie dressed for us to leave the house, Katie decided that pants were unnecessary. Instead, she wore every little ballerina skirt she could find in her drawer, with the biggest, twirliest one on top. She then proceeded to think she didn't need a sweater. And when we were coming back home in the afternoon, she didn't really need one that badly.

Yeah, I'm all huge and stuff. It's cool. I've come to terms with it.

Speaking of, let's move on to my boys, shall we?

When I went into my appointment on Wednesday, my doctor walked into the room, saw my rather impressive belly, and said, "wow, girl." I'm serious. That's how huge I am. And remember last time how they were big for their age? Well, they still are. Besides being so extremely active and both being breach again, they are too large and crowded for decent ultrasound pictures. So don't expect any more cute ones like the face you saw last time.

I said something about "I'd rather be extremely huge and uncomfortable than have skinny preemie babies," to which my doctor looked at me quite seriously and said, "oh, they won't be skinny." I have big fat babies. And you're all jealous.

Now I just have to stay pregnant.

Monday I'll be 33 weeks, which is kind of a big accomplishment. I'm supposed to make it to at least 35 weeks, but we want to get longer. And since I'm doing so good, I might get there. But oh boy, am I ready to be done with this. Don't worry, I'm not going to sit here and whine, but oh boy.

Also, I have my next appointment on Wednesday, but after that I'm heading in twice a week for non-stress tests until I'm no longer pregnant. If it weren't so uncomfortable-sounding, I'd just set up a tent and air mattress in the waiting room at my doctor's office to save gas. But that would hurt really bad.

So I'll just sit on my couch and not have much to say and Katie will take turns going out with Grandma and her friends.

And maybe sometime I'll eventually brush my teeth. (I'm totally kidding, I brush my teeth . . . most of the time.)

Happy March everybody! Next step: have Mike dig out my Easter decor and have Katie color some pictures of eggs to go on the windows instead of snowflakes. Yes, that is what we are doing for family home evening on Monday.